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Our man in America shares his thoughts on the past
season of 24 with other die-hard Jack Bauer junkies (the only folks who might
understand this, much less appreciate it).
The curtain has fallen on another adrenaline-injected
season of "24", with loyal viewers now forced to wait a full eight months to
find out the fate of Jack Bauer, who is literally being Shang-haied to
Shang-hai, at least according to the writing on the back of the freighter
carrying him off into the sunset.
Most dramas generally end the season with a cliff-hanger that only leaves fans
sweating for four months at the most, but "24" junkies are obviously made of
tougher stuff. 33 weeks of downtime is the price to be paid for a non-stop
19-week season.
Yep, you knew it wasn't going to end well when everything seemed to be working
out for Jack with a full fifteen minutes left to go. This is the show that
had the guts to kill off his wife at the very end of 'Day 1,' so the producers
certainly have no qualms about ripping the poor fellow out of the arms of a
woman who waited faithfully for him all those years (well, almost faithfully).
In fact, no running drama kills off major characters the way that "24" does.
Mike Novick, the aide to each recurring President, is the only other 'Day 1'
personality we can think of to have reliably made it to the end of 'Day 5.'
Somehow he managed to serve as White House Chief of Staff to Presidents of both
political parties along the way. Novick, for folks who don't recognize the
name, always has a pained expression on his face and looks for all the world
like Dick Cheney nursing a severe case of hemorrhoids.
The fact that only a handful of characters survive each 24-hour period might
explain why no one has yet to crack a full smile in five years, particularly at
CTU, the Counter Terrorism Unit in Los Angeles - the city in which all major
terror attacks conveniently take place.
No matter where you work, CTU is one of those places that makes you feel better
about your own job. Let's just say there's no "cake lady" or department
picnic outings at this workplace. It's a good bet that the office copier's
never endured a set of bare buttocks either.
Quite frankly, CTU is a dimly-lit cauldron of paranoia and rank-pulling, where
everyone is constantly casting suspicious glances at each other. This may be
because the organization typically undergoes three or four changes of leadership
in a 24-hour period, with the new boss striding through the door in dramatic
fashion, flanked by sycophants and looking very pissed off about something or
other. (Alberta's short-lived reign from five years back still gives this writer
the shivers).
This past 'Day' began and ended with the same person in charge, Bill Buchanan.
His position was usurped only twice during this 24-hour period (with each new
boss putting him under arrest each time), but it looks as if he will be back in
charge next season. Buchanan is certainly a decent man, but if you count
the number of times he says "What's going on, Jack?" then you might understand
why someone kept thinking it necessary to bring in new blood at the top spot.
Jack himself began the day as an oilfield worker named "Frank" before moving on
to more interesting activities, like thwarting six major terror attacks and
kidnapping the President of the United States on very short notice. His
daughter wasn't too glad to learn that he was still alive, which is
understandable given that everyone around him seems to die or disappear.
Other than that, he's still the same ultra-patriot - with an amazing cell-phone
battery that could power a small town, and a perpetual breathlessness that
brings to mind what Rosie Ruiz should have sounded like back in 1980.
In fact, for a guy who fulfilled a lot of people's dreams on several occasions
by shooting at least three of his bosses or former bosses, Jack is remarkably
disgruntled most of the time. Considering that he has the President on
speed-dial, it's astonishing how many times he has to yell and whip out a 9mm
when he wants things done. "Give me that haircut, damn it..." [raise gun]
"Now!"
The President this year was Charles Logan, who is meant to be a Richard Nixon
caricature, but actually brings to mind what might have happened if Tricky Dick
and Woody Allen decided to take the next step together. He's paranoid and
neurotic, but his wife sure has a great rack for a... woman of her age.
The producers made sure that we found this out early on. (Trivia note: the
actress is also the voice of KP's mom).
In one of the more intriguing subplots, "Martha," as the writers dubbed this
First Lady, is apparently looking for a little "Secret Service" from Aaron, the
incorruptible agent who becomes more relevant with each season. Given
Martha's state of mind however, if Aaron answers this particular call to duty he
would be advised to use serious protection - and we're talking 'Lorena Bobbitt'
strength.
Speaking of sex appeal, who would have thought back on 'Day 2' that Chloe would
wind up as the hot chick? The nerdy computer whiz isn't that innocent
after all, as we found out when she began the day by climbing out of bed with an
underling, then went home with her ex-husband at the end of the shift, which
felt a bit like watching your younger sister grow up a little faster than you
would have preferred.
Chloe O'Brien's Ex-husband? Where did he come from? Hey, if the
characters never sleep then apparently a lot can happen in an 8-month
off-season. This guy, Morris, is so narcissistic that Chloe's permanent
scowl is starting to make sense.
We imagine that the show's producers are somewhat chagrined by the popularity of
Chloe, given that they've taken monumental efforts to eliminate job security on
the set. This apparently wasn't a problem with co-worker Edgar, however,
who died senselessly in his own vomit this season along with most of the CTU
staff. Oh Edgar, we hardly knew ya', (although we did have our
suspicions).
It was also a bad first ten minutes for Michelle Dressler and former President
David Palmer. Apparently, you just can't have an African-American
President in prime time these days unless the Republican characters are
literally trying to assassinate him.
Tony Almeida barely made it out of the first hour as well, but only to fall
permanently later in the day. Last season, as you might recall, we found out
that Tony had gone "Larry the Cable Guy" in a big way, complete with beer belly
and a trailer park twinkie yelling at him for not having a job. Yet he
still managed to clean up in time to take over the nation's foremost
counterterrorism unit for a record 22 minutes a little later in the afternoon.
"24" viewers have come to expect that whatever appears to be a threat to
America's teeming masses at the beginning of the "Day" - such as a
run-of-the-mill nerve gas attack on a shopping mall - won't even be remembered
by the end. Terror attacks are thwarted at a rate of about one every two
hours, and, each time, the surviving bad guys pick themselves up like Pee Wee
Herman to declare that it was all a ruse for an even bigger attack, which is
going perfectly according to plan.
The only thing that viewers know for sure is that no matter who pops up along
the way, the ultimate villains will always turn out to be white males (American
or East European). But this is about all the political correctness that
you'll find - not counting that loopy disclaimer from last season in which
Kiefer Sutherland assured us during a commercial break that Muslims would never
do anything to hurt us (provided we stay away from tall buildings and send Hamas
a steady welfare check).
It's not that "24" is politically incorrect in the same way that, say, life in
the real world is politically incorrect, it's that it almost is - and
that's saying a lot for something that comes out of Hollywood these days.
There are no liberal characters on the show sanctimoniously encouraging others
to stick it to the man. No junkies with AIDs or single moms having to work
six jobs to pay medical bills in the absence of socialized health care.
Nor are there any wind-blown former Greenpeace activists who would be building
orphanages were it not for President Bush's tax cut on the wealthy.
Instead it's just fast-paced, hard-driving rock and roll. Who cares if
Jack Bauer is wanted for the murder of an ex-President of the United States
between 8:00 a.m. and 9:00 a.m.? By 9:30 he'll be in charge of Homeland
Security and the only thing standing between 300 million Americans and Osama's
halitosis. The 24-hour format that makes the show somewhat unrealistic is
also part of what makes it unique and irresistible.
It's been five years now since those first summer promos on Fox, with Kiefer
Sutherland jumping around to the beautifully chosen Limp Bizkit ballad, "Break
Stuff," as the announcer promises that "this man" is in for "the longest day of
his life." Those were our last few weeks of innocence. After the
towers fell, America was in no mood for sappy, unrealistic spy dramas where the
good guys always walk away and the bad guys are neatly foiled in the space of 40
minutes. (Just ask the folks behind the ill-timed debut of "The Agency").
But "24" survived against the odds at a very tough time and even triumphed
because of its gritty storylines, innovative production... and the fact that it
is the hardest-working show on television.
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